Monday, March 29, 2010

Venting--You have been warned...

Today is my birthday.

Today is my birthday, and my husband is 2000 miles away in another country.

Sadly, this isn't the first time that Kevin has been away on my birthday. I think the other time he was away on business or something. I don't rightly remember. I have slept since then...a lot.

I have known for a while that he would be gone on my birthday. I can't at all say, with conviction, that I have ever been ok with that. I love him too much. He is my soulmate in every way. God made the two of us to be together, and we will be until He calls us to be with Him for eternity. My grandparents were married for 58 years, 9 months, 3 weeks, and 6 days before my grandmother passed away. I fully intend to beat that record, Lord willing.

I know that this trip has been good for Kevin. I can't wait until he comes home and tells us all about it. He is a great man, and the world deserves to know him. I am certain he has learned things about himself that will last a lifetime. I am also fairly certain that this is something he will want to do again. I don't doubt or refute any of the positive issues that have surfaced from him making this trip.

I think in alot of ways, this journey has been good for me. I have, surprisingly to me, learned things about myself as well. I may not have changed as much as Kevin has, but I think I am a slightly different person now also.

That does not in any way make this week any easier.

If you have been praying for me, please know how much I have appreciated and felt the prayers you have presented to God on my behalf. If you hadn't been praying for me, I don't believe there is a way I could have made it through this week without them. I thank you for the encouraging words, the words of comfort and the show of support from everyone. I got MANY birthday wishes from friends and family--at least 30 I would say. But I would trade them all for one birthday wish from Haiti.

All of this has not made the time any less lonely. I have stayed fairly busy. My in-laws (especially) have bent over backwards to help make the time pass more quickly and have helped in any and every way. Countless friends have offered help and companionship. I have taken Abby to school, cared for the boys as always, attended church regularly, joined in functions, gone out to eat, etc. But I have still found myself at home crying for my best friend.

The tears hit me so suddenly, I have no time to even consider fighting them back. Thanks be to God for the fact that my children have not witnessed this. Abby would dissolve into tears if she saw that from me, and I believe it might frighten the boys.

I feel so selfish. I want my husband right beside--now and always. I fight that even when he is home. At least then I get to lay beside him in bed every night. I haven't talked to him in 5 days.

5 days.

I don't know how he is feeling. I don't know what he is doing. I don't know where he has been. These are the things we talk about. Every day. I feel like I have missed SO much.

Everyone is trying to comfort me. But, in all reality, I don't want to be comforted. I don't want to be strong. I don't want to do this anymore. I want to scream. I want to get mad. I want to cry when I feel like it. I want my husband back.

Of course, I can't give in to the urges. As I said before, it wouldn't be good for the kids. And what would it accomplish anyway? I can't change this. I wouldn't want to change this. I told Kevin I didn't want him to go because I was selfish. But I also told him I didn't want to be the reason he didn't go because I am selfish. Because he is my best friend and he understand me better than anyone else, he knew exactly what I was saying to him. I would miss him more than I could possibly even fathom at the time, and more than I can handle at times now that I am right in the midst of it, but I support him and I am PROUD of him for what he is doing.

So, I find myself pushing forward. Being strong. Counting down the days. The hours. The minutes.

I have two more nights to go to sleep alone.

I have a day and a half left to be alone during the days.

Happy 33rd Birthday to me.

Thanks for listening. And, yes, I will be just fine. I will post a more positive birthday experience later. It was wonderful in lots of other ways.


Jami said...

Love your honesty with the whole situation. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, and I'm guessing most of us (especially those with young children) would probably feel the same way if we were in your shoes.

Way to go for making it through this (well, almost) and for being such a great example to your kids!

T.Ervin said...

First of all, I love your blog. You have shared some very deep emotions you have experienced the past few days. And next, I have been praying for you and your family. You have done a good job of putting on a happy face even tho you may have been crying on the inside. God bless you. It's almost over. You have a beautiful family.

Amy said...

So...I'm just now getting around to commenting on this post. I am SO in awe of how you handled the week without Kevin. You would have had to commit me to a mental institute if I had to do it without Dustin for 8 days. Your sacrifice was just as important of a contribution to the mission work as those who went!