Derailed

Disclaimer:  If your feelings are sensitive, please just stop reading now.  I have had this on my mind and heart, and this is the place I can spill it.  If I don't get it out in the open, I may very well implode.  So for my own sanity and mental health, here I go.  You have been warned....

I feel like somewhere along the way, my hypothetical train has jumped off the track.  Not bumped a little.  Not slid to one direction.  Not slowed down.  Jumped completely off track....

If you know what Kevin does for a living, you might find this analogy appropriately comical.  (He is the plant manager at a railcar repair facility and has a sign hanging on his wall that says "Still plays with trains".)

At the last "amen" of practically every worship service, I find my self heaving (not breathing....heaving) a sigh of relief.  The root of this is simply the thought that runs through my mind.  "We made it through another service."  My spirituality suffers because of it.  I think, "Why do I even bother to be here?" My sanity suffers from it when I think, "Why is it so much easier for that parent??"  I know this is not right or correct.  I should be strong enough to get through it with grace and style, and I should always know that I am there teaching, at the very least, the basic principals of simply assembling with the saints.  You may not agree with this or think it is right, but that is just how I feel...

I read a blog recently that was titled Not Carpe Diem.  The basis of it was the fact that every mother before those of us with young children begging us to enjoy every moment of the day-to-day life that we will miss so much when it is over because it goes by so fast.  I get that.  I do.  But as this woman said, can you really savor every moment?

I have two very energetic, vocal, borderline-hyperactive young boys.  Plus, they have been raised on a farm.  That basically means there hasn't been very many moments of "Be sure not get close to/in the street" or "Be quiet or the neighbors will hear you!"  There is lots of mud playing, top-of-your-lungs screaming, running wild, pig pens, dog chasing, peeing-in-the-yard (after all, what better way to potty train than to let them pee in the grass?) boy "stuff". This is not refined.  This is frowned upon by lots of people.  But this is what we do.  It's what empties the most energy, and frankly, I enjoy the ruggedness of it too.  It's surprisingly slower paced than most people get to enjoy.  You can witness so very much of God's creation right here in the yard, and I can sit and think about how it might have been years ago in simpler times.  It is my life, and Thank You, God, for that...

However, it makes "life in town" a little more difficult.  It is harder to sit still in church.  It is harder to be quiet in the grocery store. Still and Quiet are boring. (I'm just guessing that this is what goes on in their minds.)  I find myself frustrated, upset, patience-worn, and stressed.  I don't think anyone would say, "Be so very happy that these children are fighting in the car!"  I don't think there is a perfect parent on the planet. If you claim to be, you, my friend, are a liar. :) (Said with love of course.)

The fact is I enjoy, love, adore, and am unbelievably grateful that God gave me these three beautiful, healthy, passionate, frustrating, annoying, lovable, amazing children. Aside from my husband, these are my three greatest blessings in life.  I appreciate the opinions of others, but I beg you to keep it to yourself. (Not "you" specifically reading this post...) 

Here is the way I see it:

God gave these children to me.  There are lots of people who, in my opinion (which they don't ask for), shouldn't be allowed to have children.   However, I take my parenting responsiblilties very seriously.  My children are not always never quiet.  They are not always seldom well behaved.  They cry sometimes because they don't want to go to church again.  They cry because they don't want to leave church to go home.  They touch everything.  They are annoying.  But these are my children.  If you had been lucky enough to have received them, you could have done it however you saw fit.  But the truth is, in this life, they belong to me.

Admittedly, I don't do it all right. In fact, I very seldom do something right.  We really are stressful just to watch, much less spend any time with.  But at the end of the day when I hear things like "Mommy, I need a kiss right now or I will DIE!!", "You are my best mommy ever!" and my child comes to me, gives me a hug so tight it hurts and says "That was because it's I love you day!" I have somewhere done at least a few small, but very important, things right.

I am (lucky for me) a stay-at-home mom.  I get to be there for my kids.  I get to annoy them more than alot of other moms get to. ;)  I get to drop everything for the smallest reason just to experience their lives with them.  I hope, when they have children of their own, they remember me being there with them in the most important moments--and all of the not-so-important ones, too.  I also hope that they allow me to experience life with their children as much as I can, too.  When I became a mother almost 13 years ago (?!?!?!), I didn't take it on as a project until they were out of high school, or college, or married with a family of their own.  I took it on for the rest of my days on earth.  God willing, I get to be here for many more years of this.  The frustrations, the heartaches, the pulling-out-my-hair times, and all of those WONDERFUL moments mixed in with it...

Now, if you will excuse me, I need to investigate why they are yelling so loudly in the yard that it sounds like they are killing each other after I have already been out there once to tell them to stay out of the mud.... :)